WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
