I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
