Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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