Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
