Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
