I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
