I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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