im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize