so explain again why im purple
no
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
