Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
