every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
