Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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