I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize