We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
