I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
