I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
BRING THE BAGELS
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
