he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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