I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
