omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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