I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
