I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
