she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
