I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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