All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
