my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
