Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
