Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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