I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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