What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
