Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
