he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
