I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
