Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
