I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
