no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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