Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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