Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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