OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
