My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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