"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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