I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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