Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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