Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
