i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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