I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
