I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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