singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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