It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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