if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
