I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
