I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
