I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
