you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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