I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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