Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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