You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
