i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
