break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
