There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
